The struggle is real.
I’m a sugar addict. I have an eating disorder. I have weak willpower. Whatever you like to call it, I have a problem with eating.
I have been trying to control my eating behaviours through going no-sugar or carbs about a month ago, if I don’t eat too much sugar or carbs which spikes my insulin, I’m okay. But if I get an insulin spike, no matter from fruits, meals or sugary treats I go tumbling down.
Today I was triggered by a little dose of processed sugar. It started with the blueberry tart I had this morning in celebration of my colleague’s retirement. Then a packet of cookies and then two big fruits and in a blink of an eye it’s the chocolates and cereal bars. After dinner it has snowballed into a zombie-mode eating.
During the whole time I’m binging on a chocolate bar that is too sweet, sneaking in a cereal bar secretly under the table so that nobody sees, fixing myself a chocolate bomb drink… The whole time I was telling myself that I’m sabotaging my past efforts. I said “Stop!” But I wouldn’t stop, it’s like my mind was blocked by a fog. There was no stopping until the whole packet was gone. It’s out of my control, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted but I wanted it and just kept going…
I know the bad effects of sugar on me and I didn’t want to self inflict any health problems. In the past I would hate myself, mentally beating myself up and purge. Today I told myself it’s okay to fail. I purged anyway but it was because I am ridding myself of the things that I didn’t want to be there. I know it’s not a good corrective measure but I did it out of love for myself instead of a punishment. It’s this act that made all the difference. I am forgiving myself and telling myself that slip-offs and falling off the wagon is okay. Tomorrow will be a new day and I can start again fresh. And I felt better.
That’s how I feel that I’m becoming a better self-lover and accepting myself for who and what I really am. I’m not perfect and to accept myself like this is a lesson I learnt today.
I’m sharing this incident For those who have also decided to love themselves more. You’re not alone in failing and that’s not what’s going to define you. It’s the act that you pick yourself up and give yourself a hug afterwards which shows that you have changed for the better.
Self-compassion is not about not making mistakes but forgiving your own mistakes.